Cosmo and I have known each other for almost 39 years; been married for 37. I'm fond of saying that our socks have been tumbling around in the dryer together for a long time. You'd think that would mean-- after hanging around with each other for almost four decades-- that we know each other pretty well, that maybe there aren't many surprises. You might think that, but I'm here say it ain't necessarily so.
A dyed-in-the-wool romantic might think that I'm taking this in a starry-eyed direction, leading to a conclusion that has something to do with continuing to discover sweet things about each other after all these years. Yeah, that can happen, but that isn't what's on my mind these days. It's more mundane, and tied to everyday realities and it befuddles me.
Cosmo and I have been through a lot together. Sickness, health, richer, poorer, good times and bad. Raised three kids, discovered the joys of grandparenting, faced fears, uncertainty, a couple of recessions and unemployment, fought over and resolved many an issue, agreed to disagree on many more. Stood together in the face of adversity, basked together in triumph, have a boatload of memories that we can summon for each other with a brief phrase.
One might think at this point in the game we'd be well equipped to roll with the punches and just take life as it comes.
But it just doesn't always work that way. Obviously, we get through all the big stuff, but sometimes the little stuff can throw us more off-balance than a blanket in the washer and we find ourselves clunking around, making ugly noises and spinning out of control.
I hate it when that happens. And years of experience at this game hasn't really given me any insights as to why,or to see the warning signs that we're headed for one of these out-of-whack phases. It seems like one day I can look at this guy and hardly need to say a word before I know that he knows what I'm thinking, and the next day-- heck, the next minute-- he can say something that seems so utterly preposterous that I look at him and ask, "Who are you and how did you get inside my house?"
I just don't understand how on some nights we can reach for each other's hand in the dark without so much as a word, then wake up to start a new day and before the breakfast dishes are washed, get so off track with one another that we can't even find words to start a conversation.
And how is it possible to feel like we're facing a major issue one day and then be unable to describe the situation in a coherent sentence the next?
I know one thing, our basic natures make situations like this very unsatisfying for me. Cosmo will do almost anything to avoid conflict. I, on the other hand, am combat-ready at all times and I have an arsenal of weaponry at my fingertips. There's a scalpel for dissecting any situation, a shovel that helps me "get to the bottom of things," about a half dozen whips in various shapes and sizes--all suitable for beating a dead horse, a microscope to examine the minutest of details, an unabridged dictionary and a thesaurus to determine EXACTLY what was meant by any given comment, a keen ability to dig up the past, and oh, did I mention the menopause-related hormonal imbalance that makes me so easy to reason with?
So for the past week or so we've been bickering on and off about something truly trivial. Every time I want to revisit the topic (in other words, fight some more), Cosmo is maddeningly calm and insists on being distractingly logical. I'm convinced he does this just to make me more furious. Then life goes on and we sit down for a meal or talk about current events or share news of the kids, grandkids or something that happened to one of us that day, and poof, the storm clouds disappear for awhile. But we haven't really resolved the so-called "issue." I suspect we might not.
I wonder if other couples go through phases like this. Funny, but as many conversations as I've had about relationships, I don't recall ever talking about this particular phenomenon. As for me, there's no life lesson yet, no epiphanous moment, no rainbow-watching-kiss-and-make-up part or happy ending. When we get this way, there isn't even enough passion or anything fundamental enough to warrant a make-up kiss. It's just one of those crazy things.We'll get over it, we'll move on to other things, and in time I'll bet we find something really important to argue over,or enough time will pass and this will just fade into a distant memory and a moot point.
I guess not everything needs to be fully resolved or wrapped up in a neat package and tied with a bow. Some things are just mysteries, especially when we're talking about something as complex as a lifelong partnership with somebody who can still make me weak in the knees when he walks into the room, damn him.
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